the other night..........had a happing ending =)

well where can i start the other night was kind of sorta amazing!
My friends came over and met my brother and we played rock band but that one person came over. I havent seem them in a while and it was nice to hang out with you again =).
You get along with my family and you just i dont know how to explain it you giys "click".
We had fun playing rockband the way that you were saying that it was on the hardest level on the guitar and it was only on medium. That made everyone laugh..oh boy the way your face light up haha. Then you had to go, but then you said you would be back tommorrow and then we started textin after i got your number again. You started the convo by say "hey whats up"? i replied "nm", then you were like "cool...you got a bf". Right then and there i was like wondering what was going through your head. I replied "haha nope i dont y"? Then they sent me this "jw..i kinda...like you ;)" that made me smile so much.
Haha and yea i texted back "=) really cuz...i kinda like you too. then we started talking about what would happend if he asked me out and i said i would probably say yea. then he texted me this " I dont just want you to say yea to make me happy i want you to say yea because you truly want to." My jaw droped right there i thought i was dreaming but i wasnt. i replied "yea i know what you mean haha but i would say yea because i want to". Then i got a message that said."WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?" and of course i said yea!
Haha yea i know happing ending right lol he came back to my house last night and spent time with me and my family =)

going under water..

Right at this moment of this day i feel like just going under water all the way to the bottom and not coming up. Thats how i feel, i dont get it why do people have to lie? Like they like to lie to your face its really irratating. Like when you have to find out the truth by one of your closest friends. Its like wow why didnt they tell you in the first place. Trust me when i say this if you had just told me the truth when i "asked" you i would just said ok and not even be mad or anything.
But no you had to "lie",ugh that is why im so angry and HURT. Ugh..and no im not mad at the other person why would i be? But anyways i dont even know why im writing this i know people dont care......and then people wonder why i dont talk well now you know....i alreadt feel like im drownding!! I wanna try and come up for air but more stuff keeps happening and i keep sinking more and more....

I cant believe it!

So the other night i was talking on the phone with one of my close friends from colorado and she had been talking about how it will be a year on wensday since her and her boyfriend got together. That made me thaink then i finally realized that it has been 8 months since i moved =(. Thinking about that kind of made me sad, but then i was ok because ever since i moved here i felt like a  weight was lifted off my shoulders. Yeah there are some days here when i wish that i still lived in colorado. But i think that i have really good friends down here that seem to really care about me , they dont look at me and say that im fat or that i need to loose weight. Thats what most of my friends did back in colorado. When they would do that i would just shut everything out and get really down on myself.............

favorite song

MY NEW FAVORITE SONG
"THOUSAND YEARS"
by christina perri!

IM DONE!

Im so Done with everything now im in tears right now i just cant hide it anymore i guess i cant deal with it anymore. I come to school with a happy face on but no one really knows how i feel im so sick on dealing with people who keep stepping on me like im a freaking door mat. I ask them why they are my friends and then say that im awsome and that they love me and of course i believe  them. And NO its none of you on here. I just want to go to a place where i dont have to be afraid to be who i am. Im so tierd of being called annoying and idk i just want to go some where i feel like i belong. I dont want to loose the people i care about yes im nice. I know you say i shouldnt do the things that i do but its hard. I wonder what would some people do if i wasnt nice, what would they do if i completly stop talking at all. Im just going to stop talking to anyone except for my parents and my family. I wonder if that will make everything different then i wouldnt be so annoying!!!! All i can say is that im sorry for being so annoyingi hope that you can forgive me and now i wont be so annoying anymore.......i will just be that girl in the back of the room ALONE!

you found out.

You found out that i was coming to colorado for a week and the suddenly you have my number again. Wow you only talk to me when you know i will be coming back for a week i mean how shallow is that i cant believe that. You told me before i left that you would never speak to me again and that as far as you thought i was dead to you. But now all of the sudden you are like oh i still love you i want you back. I mean yea i loved you until you hurt me, you looked me right in the eyes and said that i was never anything to you just a piece of ass. those were your words you have no clue how many nights i stayed up crying because of you. You were my longest relationship i guess you could say "first love". Ugh why i even have the slightest feelings for you. You have already told me that i cant hang out with the guy friends that i have down here becuase you dont want me to.  You told me that my friend Wyatt looks like a fag i mean how can you say that you dont know him and you say that he is just being my friend to show. I cant even believe your lies anymore because i always get hurt in the end!!!! any advice this is a cry out for help!

hey blogger!

Hey guys Iknow that I havent bloged in a while but I guessI have been to busy.
But im back =)
So anyways my life has been pretty busy i guess im involved with alot of things now, like im apart of a life group and i go to church every sunday now! I have gotten so many new friends i cant even believe it, and now that i am apart of there life group i get to go on a trip the first week of july i cant wait! Im going to New Orleans! haha and then three weeks after that i will be 18 yah!! im so excited for that.
But way before that happens im going to Colorado for a week!!! im SUPER excited for that.
I get to go see my friends that i havent seen in forever, and im happy this time we are getting a hotel with a pool ha. I wonder what my friends down there will say when they find out im COMING TO VISIT!!!
ha.
i guess thats whats ben going on i guess ha

ugh things that are on my mind!

im not sure if i want to go to prom anymore but i kind of have to...i  already bought the dress. I just dont want to go you know i thought i did, but now that its kind of getting closer idk..i remeber last year me and my friends back home were planning on getting a limo and all going out to dinner and stuff but sadly i moved and i still wanted to do the limo thing with all my friends but i dont know if that would happen...  also want i wanted my dream to come true and have the perfrect noght buti doubt that. But i guess im just going to have to grin and bear it. Im really missing home right now i mean i dont have anything against Ashland or anything, its just that i cant do somethings like i used to be able to. Like i used to live two blocks from the mall, and we had a Hobby Lobby three blocks from that. The other thing i hate is being so far away from all of my friends that i grew up with. ITs just all so frustrating i guess, i mean the other night i broke down infront of my mom i mean i dont usually do that. She had this look on her face like she was so shocked. But anyways I found out that this girl thati have known for the longest time is  months pregnant and that she is having a girl. The thing that made me mad was that i had to find out through facebook i mean she could of told me sooner. I also couldnt believe it because me and her had talked about it and she had told me that she didnt want to get pregnant in highschool because she wanted to finish out school. But to come to know she dropped out all i can say is wow, but i guess i cant change things all i can do is pray that she will be ok i guess.
so how was  your weekend?

haha being called a bitch at school just makes me smile dont you know how much i wanted to deck that person in the face she hasnt seen me be a bitch you think thats me being a bitch your wrong ugh. HOW I HATE STUPID PEOPLE!!

this one really has no title

im so tierd of trying to please everyone around me or trying to be a good friend and then i just get stepped all over like a freaking door mat! you have no clue how long i have been telling myself that its not true that you wouldnt do that to a friend but now i truly believe that you would. Your actions have shown me the truth. This is hurting me by even writing this blog but i had to get it out sometime didnt i? They way that i was there for you the way that i did things for you, i wasted my tears on you and i wasted my emotions on you. Like one of my favorite quotes say "Behind my smile is something you will never understan". so i guess i am saying is that im done being your doormat!

Ugh.................

Well where do i start?
Hmm lets see i have been thinking lately and i have told you my problems and you just sit there and just look at me like im stupid. I try talking to you at least twice a day and you just blow me off what the fuck kind of friend is that?  Oh i know the one who isnt a true friend...You always tell me that your there for me but NEWSFLASH your not. But i dont show my emotions hardly anymore because people already think that im a cry baby or what not. But i have wanted to yell at you so much or just tell you how i really feel, but i dont. And thats bad at my part because then you would never find out what is going on or why im down. But now you know, all those times i was there for you, and when i needed you where were you. Oh yea you were no where to be seen. So i got something to say dont fucking pretend to be a caringg friend just because you feel the need to be because that makes you a lying fake Bitch, and frankly im done with you!!
Ugh thats one thing i wanted to get off my chest there are so many other things i want to get off my chest but i also dont want to sound like a freaking annoying Bitch.
So here a few things that im kinda happy for i guess you could say that or that has made me smile lately.
Well pretty much just chillen with my friends and having me niece and nephew run up to me and give me hugs.
Sorry about my language!

hmmmm...these are the kind of things you have to look at from a distance

I have been thinking alot, and im stating to think alot more. I mean i know people tell me not to believe rumors but its hard to believe them when they could be right...do you know what i mean. I dont know maybe its just me, but why would he do that to me he says that he is my friend, and he says that he likes to hang out with me, but the thing is that we dont hang out that much except for school. i dont know what to believe anymore i dont want to believe that, i also dont want to loose him =( ugh life.

Im so tierd of living like this.
staying up at night listening to the yelling,
the complaining on how we dont do things right
I dont think i can live like this anymore
I cant hold on anymore
its gotten soo bad at home that i only talk to my mom and thats it
Me and her have been so much
I threatend to move out last night
I got to do whas best but i will not ever leave my mom with that monster
He has become the monster i have always feared or should i say what we have feared
But the thing is that people dont see it because he puts on the nice guy act when other people around
Oh how i wish they could see the real him
Ugh im just done with living like this......

lets see..

Lets see if he sticks to the plans? I hope he does haha, it would be nice to hang out again
I hope and pray to god that it doesnt fall through.

feeling alone

The most difficult part about my life is feeling alone on some parts it. I think to myself am i the only one that is going through this. Sometimes i feel alright, but then others i feel like everyday i just fade away a little bit more, i mean I MISS YOU alot. Why did you have to leave my life, i thought you cared about me or at least thats what you said. Your my brother, i thought you would always be there. But you chose her over you own family how could ypou put us through that pain? All the hurt that you put us throught. And you have the fucking balls to tell mom that we have never been there for you and that all we do is make your life hell. Or thats what you wife told mom, because you know we cant talk to you because you stupid Skank of a wife doesnt want us to. But you know what i have something to say to that Fucking Hoe, you messed with the wrong family but even though he doesnt see how much of a Bitch you are he will soon. And that you only want the money that he is making. YOU STUPID ASS FUCKING SKANK i hate you for ruining our family if it wasnt for you he would still talk to my family....ugh why did you have to tear my family apart god i hate you soo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hmm the interesting talk...

Well last night for some reason i felt the need to actually sit down and talk to him, and ask him why he decided to be my friend, like i told him why me you could of just blew me off and notr even talk to me. He said because im a nice person and that he is friends with everyone, and i couldnt help but smile, and then i told him that im not perfect like all of his other friends and he was like soo, just be who you are and i was like ok, then he had to go so we hugged and then he told me to text him, i did. I told him that i was kinda afraid to talk to him about it. He sais that i shouldnt be afraid to talk to him, but the thing that he doesnt know was that i was afraid to loose him as a friend. But now i know that i wont =). So glad that God was right there to help me through. then we hung out for a little... =)
Like i said im glad i could talk to him.

oh Sash

Sash thanks for the blog i know it was suppose to make me feel better, and it did only for a little though. But i appreciate you for trying to make me feel better.. Your a great friend and i love you for that! Thanks!

..........theres not title for this one.

I have been feeling this way for a while..
should i change to see if you will like me better?
I see those people you talk to there skinny and they look way better.
i thought that if i was myself you would like me but i guess not.
Im not the perfect size and im not pretty.
Maybe i should stop talking or even try to look good.
i know im fat, and i know im not them.
Them as in the perfect SKINNY GIRLS
I mean my friends say that im not fat, but there are my friends.
I just wanted that one guy or i guess you could say prince charmming to sweep me off my face
but who am i kidding??
Prince charmming wants a good looking girl,
Im annoying, and if i try to look pretty but that doesnt help.
i dont know anymore...... i guess its time to go back to the old rutine.....
they will never see the beauty in my heart because when they look at me they see my weight and they walk away..............

When i cheated death

You know when i cheated death was when i was 2 i had a really bad asthma attack. All i can remeber is my mom rushing me to denver hospital. She was crying so hard, when we got there they rushed me to a room and so many doctors were around me. I can remeber not being able to breathe and my vision going in and out. The thing that i can remeber before i went to the white place, was my mom holding my hand and crying and saying please god dont take my her. Then everything went white. I can only remeber somethings that i saw that day, i remeber being able to breathe agian, i was in this place where i felt like i was at home, but in the back of my mind i knew something wasnt right. I  remeber seeing my great granpa. Anyways there was something there telling me that i wasnt ready to "go home" all the way and that i had a purpose still. When i woke up i had  wires on me eveywhere, and my mom wasnt there, they had sent her out of the room when i stoped breatheing. Technically i was legally dead i had gone "flatt lined" as they say. I stopped breatheing for exactly 3 minutes. It was scary, but when i woke up the doctors looked at me , and then they called my mom back in the room.
So theres my story on how i cheated death its scary i know but i really dont always understand why god gave me a second chance in life. I mean sometimes my life is really hard and i wonder "why me?" But then i think back to that time, that little time i got to spend there you know what i mean. Its like god didnt think that i needed to "go home" yet. I think that god had a purpose for me and that is why he gave me a second chance. You know what i think the reason i got the second chance is so that i can help people. Im not for sure yet, on what he exactly wants me to do . But you know what i have decided that i want to become a youth pastor so that i could share my story and to help and show kids/teenagers that yea life can be tough but you just got to live through the hard times , and live life to fullest. And be thankful of the people that you have met and the people that you are going to meet. And always remeber God is always watching you!
<3

Kristen Marie Marrero

what can i say these last past few weeks me and you have became closer, i am greatful that i can not only call you a friend but i can call you a sister. You have become part of my family , you have no clue how much you have grown on my family, and how much my family loves you already. Anytime that you need to get away or you need to vent i will always have my arms open and so does my mom she is a great listener, i think i get it from her. Anyways ha i love you! Always and forever! oh and same with kels...........=) Smile it Makes your Butt Shine( inside joke)

not a good day!

today i am not having the greatest days. To start off i hate drama and that just gets on my nerves like none other. Then i have teachers on my butt about homework, thats stressful and i have so much stress right now, and like i try and show them  that i am trying but they always have that look on there face that says" whatever we have heard this a thousands time before". But Newsflash i am trying. Then me being the person i am i dont express my feelings until they are so built up that i just break down. I mean i have so much on my mind like i want to TRY and find a job to you know help out the family but that is going to be hard to do because i dont drive yet, and you cant really get a job without a car. I have argued with my mom so many times on why i dont have my liscensed or even a permit and its just frustrating and i dont want to take it all on out on my mom, Because its not all her fault that im feeling like this. I just fell like Shutting down, but i dont like to show my emotions anymore... only sometimes to those peole i think really care.............so im not having a good day its one of those days where i have a smile on but really im crying in the inside.

=)

I am who i am and if you got a problem with that deal with it. I dont really care what you think, i have the frineds that like me for who i am, and they dont think i should change. I dont think that i need to change either.Yea im not perfect like im not the perfect size 2 yea i may be "bigger" than my friends but who cares, i dont. Yea i know im loud and i talk alot but thats who i am, but i do know how to shut up when i need to.My favorite class is composition because i dont know just because i love the fact that we read and journal! My friends Savannah, Darby, Jacob, Wyatt, Kristen, they have been there for me through everything. I just wanted to thank you!
Savannah~ Thanks for being awsome, i feel like i can come to you for anything, Your a good listener, ans just a good friend thanks!


Darby~ i know that i sometimes get on your nerves and im pretty sure that i annoy you "often", But the way that you put up with it just shows that your a true friend, and thanks for being there.


Jacob~ Jacob what to say hmmm.......oh even though your a jerk to me sometimes, you have told me over and over again that your always there for me and that even though you dont seem like it you care, so thanks!


Wyatt~ hmmm......Wyatt i wanted to say thanks for being there for me, and thanks for just being you ha. I know that i can count on you to sit and talk if i really need to. so thanks for being there!


Kris~ oh Kris, i can say alot about you that makes me happy that me and you are friends, i remeber the first couple of weeks when we still had Composition together and you finally talked to me and the first words out of your mouth were" hey are you new"? and all i could do was laugh and say "yea". then you said that we would be great friiends. And ever since then we have, you are my sister, your part of my family always and forever!


If your name isnt on here that doesnt mean that i dont thank you for being my friend, because i totally do because i love all of you and im always here for you!

hmmm....is this good or bad?

hmm well i guess things have gotten a little better i guess you could say that... I guess when i went to a friends house my mom and dad started arguing and my mom brought up the fact that i didnt want to live with him anymore and ever since then, he has been trying to play happy family i guess you could say. Its a little weird, because im used to sitting in my room listening to them argue, but i know deep down inside that my mom is still not happy and niether am i. every time i go to school i try and keep a smile because when i dont everyone assumes that im upset so i try and keep a smile on my face, but in the inside im falling apart. I cant just speak my mind without him telling me that i need to shut my mouth. I mean when i sit in my room and listen to them argue it rips my heart to pieces because of the way he talks to my mom. And sometimes i come out an tell him to stop treating my mother like she is a piece of trash because that is not ok. But anyways now that we are playing happy family its just really weird. I mean to tell you the truth even though i look ok when i come to school im really screaming for 'Help" inside its like i go silent when i step into school. i dont know if people can tell i guess i just have gotten really good at hiding it mayb?

Just when i thought life was getting a little easier it just gets bad again first my dad gets laid off before christmas and so yea we struggled and then he got another job and i thought that things were going to get better but come to find out they let him go today.....so here we are once again struggling to fight this again. It doesnt get any better here at home it seems like a daily routine for my dad to come home all grochy and yelling so him and my mom start to argue with him. Then his famous thing to say lately is " why the hell did you guys move up here for"? or he will say " it would all just be better if i wasnt here huh"? Im so tierd of getting yelled at by him  for everything i do or say..and im soo tierd of him treating my mom like he does. I mean she hasnt one antything to you. im just so tierd of this. You want to know the reason why we moved here, because we thought you changed, you kept on telling us that you have changed, and that you wanted us to be a family again. But ever since we moved back up here you have proven to us that you havent changed, so you basically just lied to us so that we would come up here. I remeber you saying to us "yea its a better life here and i have changed". Yea the school is better but you havent changed a bit you still tell me how much of a brat i am and how worthless i am. You yell at mom and i cant believe you said "you only moved up here for the money didnt you" i mean i cant believe that canw out of your mouth. No we came up here because we believed you. Well Newsflash you Lied your ass off, we cant believe a single word you say anymore!

50 things that make me smile

Here it goes.....................
1) my mom
2)my niece
3)my nephew
4) all in all my family
5) Wyatt Johnson
6) Music!
7) Laughter
8)friends!
9) Camp fires
10) Romantic movies
11) Happy endings
12)Memories
13) Singing
14) Shaun Chapman
15)Celtic thunder
16) Christian Music
17) Youth Group
18) the song Just the way you are by Bruno Marz
19)Love!
20) hangin with friends
21) Swimming
22) Taking pictures
23)Awkward Conversations
24)Rainbows
25) Blood on the Dance floor!
26) Savannah Kissel
27)Randomly breaking out singing in the store
28) GOD
29)Dahvie Vanity
30) Puppies!
31) babies!
32)Makeup
33)Darby Yocum
34)Flowers
35) Fireworks
36) Shoes
37)Funny Quotes
38)Church
39) The book called Remeber me
40) Jacob Williams
41)Jewlery
42)Adele
43)Baking
44)Stuff animals
45) Sash Marie
46)Deryk Casas
47) Purple
48)Emily Koesters
49) Pandas
50) Dinasours!(wyatt told me to put this)

New York

Hmm....well this thought poped in my head on New years. i thought that it would be fun to go to New York next year and watch the Ball drop. I mean why not take a road trip with a couple of my friends, you know what i think that it would be fun. It would be our senior year, i might sound crazy, but hey its a risk and im planning on doing it. Once i said something to Wyatt he was like oh yea i will go and party haha. People look at me weird when i said i was willing to drive all the way to New York haha... But you know what i dont care what people say you know why, becasue IM GOING TO DO It. I made a promise to myself and im not planning on breaking you because i need to take chances in my life. And i think that it would be a great expirence to do with some of my close friends =).......

Drama

I hate fucking drama so much you know why because ITS stupid......i mean when i say something to someone it doesnt need to go to everyone els i mean what kind of friend is that.... and im so sorry if i dont keep secrets from my mom i mean its my MOM. So that gives you the right to think that im untrustworthy....ugh that just upsets me soo much you dont even know. I have tried and tried not to say anything but I really think that they were just my friend and that they were just nice to me because i was new, and they felt that they had to, thats what i think....But i will never know i guess.... I mean do they really know how hurt i am i mean they probably dont care, but im going to say how i feel and that is hurt, you know why because i really thought that you were there for me but i guess not........... I mean i know i can be a bitch sometimes but still everyone has there days. But from now i will let you be and let you live your life treating me like shit and talking about me to other people, and telling them how "Fucking Annoying i am". I mean whatever... HAVE A NICE DAY GOOD BYE!