..........theres not title for this one.

I have been feeling this way for a while..
should i change to see if you will like me better?
I see those people you talk to there skinny and they look way better.
i thought that if i was myself you would like me but i guess not.
Im not the perfect size and im not pretty.
Maybe i should stop talking or even try to look good.
i know im fat, and i know im not them.
Them as in the perfect SKINNY GIRLS
I mean my friends say that im not fat, but there are my friends.
I just wanted that one guy or i guess you could say prince charmming to sweep me off my face
but who am i kidding??
Prince charmming wants a good looking girl,
Im annoying, and if i try to look pretty but that doesnt help.
i dont know anymore...... i guess its time to go back to the old rutine.....
they will never see the beauty in my heart because when they look at me they see my weight and they walk away..............

When i cheated death

You know when i cheated death was when i was 2 i had a really bad asthma attack. All i can remeber is my mom rushing me to denver hospital. She was crying so hard, when we got there they rushed me to a room and so many doctors were around me. I can remeber not being able to breathe and my vision going in and out. The thing that i can remeber before i went to the white place, was my mom holding my hand and crying and saying please god dont take my her. Then everything went white. I can only remeber somethings that i saw that day, i remeber being able to breathe agian, i was in this place where i felt like i was at home, but in the back of my mind i knew something wasnt right. I  remeber seeing my great granpa. Anyways there was something there telling me that i wasnt ready to "go home" all the way and that i had a purpose still. When i woke up i had  wires on me eveywhere, and my mom wasnt there, they had sent her out of the room when i stoped breatheing. Technically i was legally dead i had gone "flatt lined" as they say. I stopped breatheing for exactly 3 minutes. It was scary, but when i woke up the doctors looked at me , and then they called my mom back in the room.
So theres my story on how i cheated death its scary i know but i really dont always understand why god gave me a second chance in life. I mean sometimes my life is really hard and i wonder "why me?" But then i think back to that time, that little time i got to spend there you know what i mean. Its like god didnt think that i needed to "go home" yet. I think that god had a purpose for me and that is why he gave me a second chance. You know what i think the reason i got the second chance is so that i can help people. Im not for sure yet, on what he exactly wants me to do . But you know what i have decided that i want to become a youth pastor so that i could share my story and to help and show kids/teenagers that yea life can be tough but you just got to live through the hard times , and live life to fullest. And be thankful of the people that you have met and the people that you are going to meet. And always remeber God is always watching you!
<3

Kristen Marie Marrero

what can i say these last past few weeks me and you have became closer, i am greatful that i can not only call you a friend but i can call you a sister. You have become part of my family , you have no clue how much you have grown on my family, and how much my family loves you already. Anytime that you need to get away or you need to vent i will always have my arms open and so does my mom she is a great listener, i think i get it from her. Anyways ha i love you! Always and forever! oh and same with kels...........=) Smile it Makes your Butt Shine( inside joke)

not a good day!

today i am not having the greatest days. To start off i hate drama and that just gets on my nerves like none other. Then i have teachers on my butt about homework, thats stressful and i have so much stress right now, and like i try and show them  that i am trying but they always have that look on there face that says" whatever we have heard this a thousands time before". But Newsflash i am trying. Then me being the person i am i dont express my feelings until they are so built up that i just break down. I mean i have so much on my mind like i want to TRY and find a job to you know help out the family but that is going to be hard to do because i dont drive yet, and you cant really get a job without a car. I have argued with my mom so many times on why i dont have my liscensed or even a permit and its just frustrating and i dont want to take it all on out on my mom, Because its not all her fault that im feeling like this. I just fell like Shutting down, but i dont like to show my emotions anymore... only sometimes to those peole i think really care.............so im not having a good day its one of those days where i have a smile on but really im crying in the inside.

=)

I am who i am and if you got a problem with that deal with it. I dont really care what you think, i have the frineds that like me for who i am, and they dont think i should change. I dont think that i need to change either.Yea im not perfect like im not the perfect size 2 yea i may be "bigger" than my friends but who cares, i dont. Yea i know im loud and i talk alot but thats who i am, but i do know how to shut up when i need to.My favorite class is composition because i dont know just because i love the fact that we read and journal! My friends Savannah, Darby, Jacob, Wyatt, Kristen, they have been there for me through everything. I just wanted to thank you!
Savannah~ Thanks for being awsome, i feel like i can come to you for anything, Your a good listener, ans just a good friend thanks!


Darby~ i know that i sometimes get on your nerves and im pretty sure that i annoy you "often", But the way that you put up with it just shows that your a true friend, and thanks for being there.


Jacob~ Jacob what to say hmmm.......oh even though your a jerk to me sometimes, you have told me over and over again that your always there for me and that even though you dont seem like it you care, so thanks!


Wyatt~ hmmm......Wyatt i wanted to say thanks for being there for me, and thanks for just being you ha. I know that i can count on you to sit and talk if i really need to. so thanks for being there!


Kris~ oh Kris, i can say alot about you that makes me happy that me and you are friends, i remeber the first couple of weeks when we still had Composition together and you finally talked to me and the first words out of your mouth were" hey are you new"? and all i could do was laugh and say "yea". then you said that we would be great friiends. And ever since then we have, you are my sister, your part of my family always and forever!


If your name isnt on here that doesnt mean that i dont thank you for being my friend, because i totally do because i love all of you and im always here for you!

hmmm....is this good or bad?

hmm well i guess things have gotten a little better i guess you could say that... I guess when i went to a friends house my mom and dad started arguing and my mom brought up the fact that i didnt want to live with him anymore and ever since then, he has been trying to play happy family i guess you could say. Its a little weird, because im used to sitting in my room listening to them argue, but i know deep down inside that my mom is still not happy and niether am i. every time i go to school i try and keep a smile because when i dont everyone assumes that im upset so i try and keep a smile on my face, but in the inside im falling apart. I cant just speak my mind without him telling me that i need to shut my mouth. I mean when i sit in my room and listen to them argue it rips my heart to pieces because of the way he talks to my mom. And sometimes i come out an tell him to stop treating my mother like she is a piece of trash because that is not ok. But anyways now that we are playing happy family its just really weird. I mean to tell you the truth even though i look ok when i come to school im really screaming for 'Help" inside its like i go silent when i step into school. i dont know if people can tell i guess i just have gotten really good at hiding it mayb?

Just when i thought life was getting a little easier it just gets bad again first my dad gets laid off before christmas and so yea we struggled and then he got another job and i thought that things were going to get better but come to find out they let him go today.....so here we are once again struggling to fight this again. It doesnt get any better here at home it seems like a daily routine for my dad to come home all grochy and yelling so him and my mom start to argue with him. Then his famous thing to say lately is " why the hell did you guys move up here for"? or he will say " it would all just be better if i wasnt here huh"? Im so tierd of getting yelled at by him  for everything i do or say..and im soo tierd of him treating my mom like he does. I mean she hasnt one antything to you. im just so tierd of this. You want to know the reason why we moved here, because we thought you changed, you kept on telling us that you have changed, and that you wanted us to be a family again. But ever since we moved back up here you have proven to us that you havent changed, so you basically just lied to us so that we would come up here. I remeber you saying to us "yea its a better life here and i have changed". Yea the school is better but you havent changed a bit you still tell me how much of a brat i am and how worthless i am. You yell at mom and i cant believe you said "you only moved up here for the money didnt you" i mean i cant believe that canw out of your mouth. No we came up here because we believed you. Well Newsflash you Lied your ass off, we cant believe a single word you say anymore!

50 things that make me smile

Here it goes.....................
1) my mom
2)my niece
3)my nephew
4) all in all my family
5) Wyatt Johnson
6) Music!
7) Laughter
8)friends!
9) Camp fires
10) Romantic movies
11) Happy endings
12)Memories
13) Singing
14) Shaun Chapman
15)Celtic thunder
16) Christian Music
17) Youth Group
18) the song Just the way you are by Bruno Marz
19)Love!
20) hangin with friends
21) Swimming
22) Taking pictures
23)Awkward Conversations
24)Rainbows
25) Blood on the Dance floor!
26) Savannah Kissel
27)Randomly breaking out singing in the store
28) GOD
29)Dahvie Vanity
30) Puppies!
31) babies!
32)Makeup
33)Darby Yocum
34)Flowers
35) Fireworks
36) Shoes
37)Funny Quotes
38)Church
39) The book called Remeber me
40) Jacob Williams
41)Jewlery
42)Adele
43)Baking
44)Stuff animals
45) Sash Marie
46)Deryk Casas
47) Purple
48)Emily Koesters
49) Pandas
50) Dinasours!(wyatt told me to put this)

New York

Hmm....well this thought poped in my head on New years. i thought that it would be fun to go to New York next year and watch the Ball drop. I mean why not take a road trip with a couple of my friends, you know what i think that it would be fun. It would be our senior year, i might sound crazy, but hey its a risk and im planning on doing it. Once i said something to Wyatt he was like oh yea i will go and party haha. People look at me weird when i said i was willing to drive all the way to New York haha... But you know what i dont care what people say you know why, becasue IM GOING TO DO It. I made a promise to myself and im not planning on breaking you because i need to take chances in my life. And i think that it would be a great expirence to do with some of my close friends =).......

Drama

I hate fucking drama so much you know why because ITS stupid......i mean when i say something to someone it doesnt need to go to everyone els i mean what kind of friend is that.... and im so sorry if i dont keep secrets from my mom i mean its my MOM. So that gives you the right to think that im untrustworthy....ugh that just upsets me soo much you dont even know. I have tried and tried not to say anything but I really think that they were just my friend and that they were just nice to me because i was new, and they felt that they had to, thats what i think....But i will never know i guess.... I mean do they really know how hurt i am i mean they probably dont care, but im going to say how i feel and that is hurt, you know why because i really thought that you were there for me but i guess not........... I mean i know i can be a bitch sometimes but still everyone has there days. But from now i will let you be and let you live your life treating me like shit and talking about me to other people, and telling them how "Fucking Annoying i am". I mean whatever... HAVE A NICE DAY GOOD BYE!